I'm not dead yet

(One day at the Oquendo Manor)

Sarah: I am not dead yet! And to prove it, I'll go all around town with nothing but my birthday suit while waving the flag of Spain!

Cesare/Ezio/Desmond/Altair/Malik/Niccolo/Micheletto/Ellie: . . . . . . . . .

Sarah: I'll call you guys when I've been arrested, take care of Baby Cesare for me~! *leaves in a rush*

Ezio: Grazie Dio her love of soccer players is beginning to fade

Altair: And I was getting sick and tired of listening to her moan about them in her sleep.

Desmond: That's...really helpful grandpa...

Ellie: Baby Cesare is sleeping anyways, who wants to play video games with me?

Ezio: Oh~! Me!

Ellie: Great. Hey Chez, go make us some cupcakes will ya? The one with chocolate whipped cream and flower-shaped chocolates alright?

Cesare: Fine! Micheletto get the ingredients!

Il Lupo: . . . *gets curb stomped by none other than Teodoro*

(In the game room)

Ezio: Gaah!

Ellie: Shut up old man!

Ezio: Cazzo! My back!

Ellie: I told you to take Ibuprofen before we played this game!

**They're playing Mortal Kombat while on the floor*

Ellie: FATALITY!!!!!!!!

Ezio: Stronzo!

Ellie: You're just jealous because I'm 10 times younger than you

Ezio: . . . . *intentionally unplugs TV* Oops~! Butter fingers~! **DERP!**

Ellie: Why you-! *tackles Ezio and begins wrestling match*

Cesare: *enters the game room with pink frilly/lacey/fluffy apron on* What in San Giuseppe's name are you two-

**Il Lupo bumps against Cesare, the tray of choco cupcakes goes flying and lands on Sarah's white polyester couch**

Ezio/Ellie/Cesare/Il Lupo: . . . . . . . . . .

Cesare: Sarah's . . .

Ezio: Favorite . . .

Il Lupo: Woof! (couch!)

Ellie: I don't get it, what's the big deal?

Ezio: Her sweet dear old grandmother bought that couch for her use when she was six and she hasn't let anyone sit on it except Baby Chez

Baby Cesare:

Ellie: *scratching her head* And?

Cesare: It's a memorabilia! And do you know what will happen to us if she finds out we've ruined her couch?!

Ellie: *shakes head*

Cesare: She'll cut off our nipples and feed them to the piranhas then she'll shove a chainsaw up our asses and what's worse.....

SHE'LL CHOP OFF OUR PENE...

Ezio: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Ellie: I don't get it, she'll go crazy over a stain on her couch?

Ezio: Do you remember the time Teodoro's horse accidentally-Ummm-Dumped on her couch?

Ellie: Yeah?

Ezio: And remember that time where we ate dark red meat and Sarah said it came all the way from France?

Ellie: ...Yeah-...Ohh

Ezio: Si, now unless you wish to be the next meal in her dinner party, I suggest we clean this up before we-IL LUPO NO!

Il Lupo: *had tried to emove stain with his cape but it only made the situation worse*

Ezio/Cesare: SANTA MARIA DI DIO!!!

Ellie: Why don't we just ask Leonardo? Seeing that he's the clean freak aside from Cesare, oh wait he stole that title from you...

Cesare: ... I got it, why don't we just burn the stain and then paint it white?

Elllie: Umm what?

Ezio: Great idea! Let's bring this downstairs!

**As the two men leave with the couch, Ellie dials a number on her phone**

Ellie: Leo, we need you and Salai here on the double and I mean now!

(At the backyard)

Micheletto: Are you really sure we should be burning this?

Cesare: Of course! Now throw that torch now or we'll suffer the dire consequins...

Ezio: . . . Did you just say CONSEQUINS?

Cesare: J-Just shut up!!!

Micheletto: *throws torch onto the couch*

Desmond: *sweat starts building up* Is it just me or do I feel something strange coming on?

Ezio: It's you

Ellie: GUYS NO!!!

Leonardo: I have the bleach-Oops! *trips and bottles of bleach lands on the bonfire making the situation worse than ever*

Cesare/Ezio: Merda...

Sarah: Hey guys! Guess what? I just got interviewed by CNN about my run and I have been issued 4 million dollars for charity isn't that-

Everyone else: . . .

Sarah: . . . MY COUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *jumps into the pool before jumping into the inferno*

Ezio: SARAH!!!!

Ellie: A good individual has left us yet again

Cesare: It's all my fault Dio mio! Why?! Why?!

Sarah: *jumps right out with soot all over* Hot damn! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Ezio: Sarah you're alive! But how? *notices Sarah's lack of clothing and hurries up to wrap her in a bundle*

Sarah: Shit happens. But I'm glad these were alive! *holds up something at them*

Cesare: What are they?

Sarah: My family heirlooms. They've passed down since the first Oquendos from Spain. *pulls out gold brooches, ruby necklaces and sapphire rings*

Ezio: Wait, wait, wait...is that why your grandmother gave you the couch?

Sarah: Yeah, she said safes were too stupid and it'll be unlikely to put you family jewels in a hidden place.

Cesare: Your last statement-

Leonardo: Oh my! These rubies seem a hundred years old or more! With the currency today I am guessing it is 10 to 14 million in amount.

Cesare/Ezio/Desmond/Ellie: . . . . 14 million?!

Sarah: Wow! I didn't know that!

Ellie: So why didn't you sell them in the first place?!

Sarah: Because I want to give them to my upcoming child!

Cesare/Ezio/Ellie/Leonardo/Micheletto/Desmond/Altair/Malik/Niccolo/Il Lupo/Teodoro/Fiora/Andwhoeverwasalsointheneighborhood: . . . .

Sarah: . . . Um yeah I forgot to tell you guys . . .Surprise?

Ellie: *begins slapping Cesare, Ezio and punches Micheletto in the face then grabs Sarah by the shoulders* WHO DID YOU?!!!!

Sarah: I-I-I don't remember! He and I were in a dark room and it was so weird and exciting plus he had me blindfolded-!

Cesare: How dare you impregnate her you sick old man! *chokes Ezio*

Ezio: Me?! You're the one who invades her room at night! BED INTRUDER! *chokes Cesare as well*

Micheletto: . . .

Sarah: It's impossible with Micheletto since he never did much use the usual entrance

Ellie: Eww...

Sarah: But anyways, at least my kid is going to marvel the family heirlooms and I will tell him/her about the battles our ancestors fought and-

**The jewels are gone**

Sarah: . . . . Salai!!!

Salai: *runs off quickly*

Ellie: Can't you hold your sugar baby for just one second-?! Sarah! You're not suppose to run in that condition!

Ezio: SI! Come back here!

Cesare: Your child will bear the Borgia name!

**Author's note: I'm not really pregnant, just knocked up in the head **